it taught you something, didn't it?
who are you without the lessons your mistakes have taught you?
I’ve been stuck in a rut lately.
I’ve been doing nothing but thinking, reflecting, wanting, wishing, rotting, feeling. The usual.
I’ve been thinking a little too much to the point where I cannot form coherent enough thoughts to write about.
It makes me sad when I can’t write. But here I am, trying, and here’s what I’m able to muster up from my brain.
2025 has been slow.
It’s felt mundane, boring, and like every choice I’ve made has been futile in the grand scheme of things. It’s already May, and I feel like I have done nothing of significance since January. Nothing feels worth celebrating. I’ve accomplished long-term goals this year, sure. I’ve gotten acquainted with an old side of myself I thought I’d never see again, except she’s different this time, and she’s been a pleasure to refamiliarize myself with. But nothing seems to ignite that spark in me.
But then again, I’ve began asking myself what that spark really is. Is it that my life is meaningless and lacks excitement, or is it that my nervous system is regulating?
In my 2024 reflection from earlier this year, I mentioned how much of an emotional rollercoaster the year was. I talked about the mistakes I’ve made, and how I no longer hold myself hostage on their behalf. This all remains true, except I’ve started viewing my mistakes in a different light.
In 2024, I was chasing a high. This invisible yet nearly tangible high. I wanted everything I did to make my heart race or make the blood rush to my face. I wanted everything to be exciting, to ignite something in me. I craved chaos. I craved chaos because I felt that was the only way to live. If life wasn’t exhilarating in a way that almost overwhelmed me, what was the point of being alive at all? Chaos felt familiar, so it felt like the right way to live. So, naturally, I gravitated towards people and things that were going to give me that shot of dopamine. (Before anyone asks: No, I was not doing drugs or any substances. I am referring to wanting to feel “high on life” rather than actually high on something).
Since I’ve eliminated those sources of chaos from my life, it’s felt dull. There’s no more performing, no more shine, no more “rose-tinted glasses.” 2025 feels slow because it feels natural, not forced. I’ve just been existing, which doesn’t feel normal to me. I’m used to the motion sickness and the drama, so when I take the time to plant both my feet into the ground and breathe, I practically get whiplash.
When I ground myself, I realize how badly that chaos affected me, and how it still continues to influence my thinking patterns and choices to this day.
Then I get to wondering: What was the point?
What was the overarching theme of the mistakes I made leading up to this? Why did I go through all of that suffering, frustration, tears, and anger? Why did I let myself get so addicted to chaos?
See, then I get annoyed and a little frustrated because I question why I put myself through all of that.
Yet this thought process is such a humanizing experience, because all of the answers lie in the present. The “reason” I made those choices was because I was supposed to. They were supposed to lead me here; to the present moment and to the person I am now. Each little thing that’s happened to me has helped me to understand something else. Whether that be a part of myself I needed to explore, an emotional response I needed to regulate, or a toxic pattern I needed to unlearn, I was always learning something.
My becoming and unbecoming different versions of myself has been necessary. That’s not to say that my past mistakes define me, because of course they don’t. But they do shape me into who I am now. I wouldn’t be who I am today without who I was yesterday.
Reconstructing my thinking has helped me view the outcomes of my choices with a kinder approach, which helps me to make better choices moving forward. I realized that wallowing in self-pity about my past decisions has gotten me nowhere. So now, I try to focus on what they taught me about myself, and how I can have better judgment moving forward. I now take every lesson as a learning experience, and reflect on what I got from that. There is always something to learn.
Even if I think an event was absolutely pointless, it taught me something, didn’t it?